To Keep You Forever

I love watching my kids grow up, and it doesn't surprise anyone who intimately knows me that I enjoy an 8-year-old more than an infant. I mean, I love holding *my* babies, but not really anyone else's. While I never wish to go back in time, I do -- very often -- wish to freeze time. 

I remember holding Nell and Coraline at various stages and just feeling it so deeply in my heart. I held them and I missed them simultaneously. I whispered things like "I'm going to miss you when you grow up." And I didn't mean grow up and move out of the house. I simply meant, "I'm going to miss two-year-old you when four-year-old you is in full swing (I'll never miss a three-year-old). It was strange to long so deeply for something so present, but I truly felt myself missing the very moment I held them while I anticipated the joy of future months and years.

A couple years ago I frequently begged Coraline and Mara to stay little forever. I often lamented how unfair it was that after four babies, I didn't get to keep at least one of them forever. I repeatedly joked with Coraline that she wasn't allowed to turn 3. I remember one such moment when all four kids were in the room with me. I had Mara in my lap, and I pulled Coraline into my arms. "You two aren't allowed to grow up, okay?" I said as I gently squeezed them. Coraline beamed back at me, as she loved the thought of this. "I want to keep a baby and a toddler forever. Reid and Nell can keep growing up though, because I want to see what comes after four and six." Nell looked at me strangely from across the room and quickly replied "Five and Seven!" and then returned right back to her play. Her response still makes me laugh out loud to this day.

I find myself in that longing to freeze time once again. Mara is an adorable toddler. Coraline (finally out of the 3s) is a budding preschooler. Nell is as wise and kind as ever. Reid is old enough to stay up late and play adult board games with me on Saturday nights. They are each at such enjoyable ages and I'd just like to keep them forever right where they are at.