Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Due Date and Depression

Here's the thing about suffering from clinically diagnosed depression -- when you start to feel down you waste so much time deciphering. Is this just the regular old blues I can swing out of? Or is this the real deal? Do I have control? Or am I about to loose control? Oh, how I hope there isn't a need for medical intervention. But if there is, I know the quicker I get it the better.

And so your whole morning is wasted, lying in bed trying to decide if you can kick out of this one or if you're in for a rough few weeks/months/years.

You watch Like a Broken Vessel on repeat.

And finally, you get out of bed and decide you can face the day. But you also decide it's probably the real deal. The idea of talking to anyone is horrid. And when your loving husband reminds you not to get too stressed you steam out of the room and lock yourself away again.

Your kids are the only smiles you want to see.

The roller coaster continues all day. Is this a normal mood swing? Or am I trapped in a downward spiral? Am I selfish for getting this worked up over a past due date? Or do I really just need to hate life for a minute, in order to feel better about it later on?

Everyone has regular ups and downs, but when you've battled the beast and lost those regular ups and downs can feel frightening. You never know where they might lead you. And talking to someone about it, even the person you love the most, leaves you feeling so vulnerable. And anxious.

Curse you anxiety. How do you always go hand in hand with depression? Like one isn't enough. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great commentary honey. In a way, you are blessed to have been all the places you've been, because you have the skills to deal with the worst. I feel sorry for those who don't have those skills or who won't seek help because of pride. I think baby Coraline's birth will help lift your spirits. Godbless.

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